There’s something about sliding up the hood of a car and slamming your shoulder into the windshield that really gets the blood moving. I’ve never been one for drugs— no thank you!— but I imagine the rush you get from enjoying the scent of a few lines of cocaine is almost half as fulfilling as seeing a van cut in front of you and slamming your teeth into the passenger-side door.
Read moreFuck the Meat Industry
In my first year of college, my English class required me to write a persuasive essay. Although being an avid fan of cheeseburgers, hot wings, and chicken alfredo, I decided to write it about vegetarianism. I knew there was a wealth of information on the subject and it would be really easy to take the side of the vegetarian, explaining why it’s immoral to eat meat. The horrible treatment of the animals shown in PETA videos basically got me the A. Of course it’s awful that chickens get their beaks blowtorched off so they don’t peck other chickens because their cages are painfully small and will kill for another inch of room. Of course that sucks. You’re right. Here’s your A.
Read moreThe 7-8-9 Plan
A lot of people live their lives the wrong way. I’ve been saying this for a while but I’ve never put it together in a perfectly succinct manner that renders all opposition to my viewpoint blatantly incorrect. I just thought about it five minutes ago, so it’s definitely thought all the way through and completely irrefutable. It’s called the 7-8-9 Plan, and it will show you how to live a happy life. It goes like this:
7 hours of work, 8 hours of sleep, and 9 hours of free time five days every week.
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